From the April 2015 General Conference address “Why Marriage, Why Family”
By Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles …
we read….
Eternal Marriage….
The words
of a Primary song that I taught in my ward a few months ago echoes through my head…Gethsemene, Jesus loves me…so He went willingly…to Gethsemene. How can the Atonement heal broken, trapped hearts…..
Looking back on the marriage of my parents, I am learning more of bitterness and endurance. I was happy! I thought we all were happy. I know there were many trials. My parents had such different backgrounds. My father was from an LDS home with many kids in the mountains of Montana. My mother the daughter of a career Marine. Born on the East Coast and raised on the West Coast with a few trips back and forth in between. My fathers parents were unhappy with their marriage and it ended in divorce when my dad was 13, while my mom’s parents stayed together amid the effects of alcoholism and abuse.
Inspite of their different upbringings, I am amazed at the overall feel of our home. A few years into their marriage, my mother met 2 elderly Sister Missinaries and was baptized. My father who had been inactive, returned to full fellowship. I know that there is much more to share, but suffice it to share, that when I was 3 year old, my parents along with me and my 3 sisters were sealed for time and all eternity in the Los Angeles temple. From that time forward, we have been active in the church, with all the blessings that accompany it. I am so thankful.
Now back to Gethsemene….It is 50 years later. My dad died 3 years ago. The last years of his life were marred by health and financial problems and more open unhappiness in thier marriage. My mom the loud funny blonde married to the quiet outdoors man. Their differences seemed to grow. I thought that the problems were mostly the recent ones with my mothers many surgeries, medication and preoccupation with all things medical and her own struggles. My dad running errand for her, getting her medication and Pepsi, but as I talk with my sisters and visit wih Aunts, I learn of other, older hurts. He struggled more than he said. Oh how I wish I could have helped him more. How does the Atonement heal broken hearts, haunted memories? I don’t understand, but I know……
Respect
As I learn more about marriage, I know that I need to do better in mine, which I am working on, but I see my children’s marriages and I am so grateful to witness their hard work and commitment. My oldest daughter, her husband and 2 children recently moved closer to home. They have lived 9 hours away for many years. They are about to close on their house, but in the mean time have planted and are maintaining the garden in my yard. Spending more time with them is wonderful. They are a beautiful, hard working, fun having family. My daughter is a wonderful mom who teaches, cares for, loves and enjoys her children. Her husband is an amazing husband and father. He is an Architect and loves his job, but plays and works with his family when he’s home. They bike, walk, read, and play. I so enjoy our time together. I ignore, housework and homework and just enjoy being “Grama”. So, of course I’m usually in a mess and end up pushing my homework deadlines.
What makes their marriage work? From my point of view, I see respect and flexibility. They are united in their love of their children. I also appreciate the manners and patience that I see in my son-in-law. Manners and kindness can be tools to avoid hurt feelings and also keep hearts open.
In”Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” by H.Wallace Goddared we read, “Rather than carefully tracking every investment in our marriage, we give gladly and wholeheartedly. We give everything we have and are. And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more.”
PRIDE…..
The marriage relationship seems to be the most sensitive to pride. It is the pivot point of the family. If we look at our spouse in the way that our Heavenly Father looks at them, we can learn to love them and appreciate them. As we seek to better our relationships, we can better solve conflicts. As I observe relationships around me, I see the delicacy and the strength. Our human interactions are surely the most fluid of situations. We are ever learning and adapting.
Wallace Goddard’s counsel in his book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” he speaks of those who got it right. His favorite is Alma, who was a vile sinner who totally turned his life around. He turned his life over to Christ. He shared beautiful examples of letting go of pride
In President Ezra Taft Benson ‘s talk
Beware of Pride
We learn much…
- Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.
- The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.
- The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)
- Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile spoken word to worldwide conflicts. The scriptures tell us that “only by pride cometh contention.” ( 13:10; see also Prov. 28:25.)
- Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. (See Alma 12:10–11.) The proud are not easily taught. (See 1 Ne. 15:3, 7–11.) They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.
How timeless this talk is. It will bless all of our relationships. I remember when I first heard this talk. It was so powerfuly inspiring.
- Pride is the great stumbling block to Zion. I repeat: Pride is the great stumbling block to Zion.
- We must cleanse the inner vessel by conquering pride. (See Alma 6:2–4; 23:25–26.)
- We must yield “to the enticings of the Holy Spirit,” put off the prideful “natural man,” become “a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord,” and become “as a child, submissive, meek, humble.” (Mosiah 3:19; see also Alma 13:28.)
STAYING EMOTIONALY CONNECTED
In “Covenant Hearts” we read, “I don’t agree with whoever said don’t go to sleep whenever you’re upset. Most things that have me asleep by bedtime aren’t really a problem by morning. We all have moods; we all get tired a good nights sleep really helps.”
In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. “ by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, chapter 6, a few of the things we learn are as follows:
We should show honor and respect to our spouse. Some men resist their spouses having any influence on them at all. There is more peace if we don’t argue back to statements, which are: negative, and conflict with our own agenda, or are inconvenient requests – rather, it’s good to be flexible with them. The issue is not whether we express or not express negative emotions, but it is how we react to them. When we each accept “influence” from one another, we learn to compromise, which allows us to establish deeper “love-maps”, and to turn towards each other.
I have observed many a couple, who appear to be struggling. When I speak to them, they each respond in a manner that seems to appear that they aren’t even listening to each other. They seem to be competing with each other to keep my attention. It is a pretty awkward situation. It is easy to sence the upheaval in some peoples lives.
President Dieter F Uchtdorf stated, “As we emulate the Savior’s love, He will surely bless and prosper our righteous efforts to save our marriages and strengthen our families.”
Clinical Marriage/Material
How many of us feel like we are pros at our relationships? Well the minute that we do, it seems that a new challenge arises. I have been mindful this week in my communications with friends and family, of people’s different approach to marriage. I have a co-worker who was divorced several years ago and is re-married. She seems to be at a place where she is not too critical of her ex-husband. She does speak very highly of her current husband. At times she makes divorce look good. I had a thought that in the struggles of my marriage are many lessons yet, I would hate to start over with someone new. It seems to me that we can make each of our marriages more rewarding and fulfilling if we treat it like we would a new relationship.
Our Clinical Material
“Your lives, your friendships, your marriages, your families, your neighbors and coworkers currently constitute the sample of humanity which God has given you. We are each other’s clinical material, and we make a mistake when we disregard that sober fact. No wonder, therefore, we feel stress at times. The wise and insightful President Brigham Young said this: “There are no two faces alike, no two persons tempered alike; … we are tried with each other, and large drafts are made upon our patience, forbearance, charity, and good will, in short, upon all the higher and Godlike qualities of our nature” (in Deseret News, 6 July 1862, 9).
Now, you are going to have days when people make a large draft on your patience, when they lay claim to your long-suffering that you may feel they don’t quite deserve. This is part of the chemistry that goes on in discipleship if we are serious about it, as we constitute each other’s clinical material.
It is within these circles of influence that you can strive to carry out all the dimensions of the second great commandment, including giving praise, commendation, and occasional correction. It is good for us to develop further our relevant skills.”
— Neal A. Maxwell, Jesus, the Perfect Mentor, Ensign, Feb. 2001, 8.
FAMILY EFECTS
I sat at dinner with a group of kids and 2 other chaperones. We were on a trip with an athletic team. I usually travel and drive with the team that my 2 youngest kids are members of. I love to join in and help. I love to watch my kids compete and perform.
At times it is kind of crazy, but I feel so grateful to be able to be with them and help when I can. My husband usually stays home to work and take care of the dog.
On this evening in a restaurant in Seattle, I had a nice talk with the other chaperones. A mid to late 30s couple, they had left their younger children home with Grandma and grampa and borrowed a 15 passenger van from another team parent and brought a load of kids to a competition. Sandwiched between a couple of booths filled with kids , we talked . I asked how they had met and heard the fun story of their first meeting, courtship and marriage. It included a summer working in Alaska, reading of a Book of Mormon, singles ward meeting, baptism, dating, then on to a temple sealing. They were totally at ease and engaged with the relating of their experience. It was like a breath of fresh air.
How are we to keep that level of enthusiasm in a marriage that is full of work, kids, church, etc…? In the book “Drawing Heaven into Your MARRIAGE” BY H Wallace Goddard, we read…. Where do we find the solutions for marriage’s stern challenges? What are the tools God would have us use? Since God’s objective is to Help us develop godly character, He has provide a set of tools perfectly designed to help us master the challenges of marriage (and life in general): the Gospel of Jesus Christ!
He goes on to say “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” declares the enduring truth that happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved if founded on the teachings of our Lord and Savior. We could go even a step farther. Perhaps enduring and soul- filling happiness in marriage is only found by actively using the principles of Jesus’ gospel.
What beautiful counsel we receive from the gospel. It seems that many couples have a difficult time applying the golden rule to their marriage. Often there is the way we treat others that we work with of serve at church and then there is the way we treat our family. How do we reconcile this.
In contrast to the couple that I mentioned above, I know many couples who seem to just tolerate each other. The sharing of memories of their early years becomes a contest to see who remembers what. One spouse seeks to catch and correct the other.
In a 2007 General Conference address by Elder Joseph B Wirthlin, he speaks of lessons learned in life. Here is a quote he shares:
“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams,” wrote Henry David Thoreau, “and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”
The matter of DIVORCE
I work for an attorney. The matters I deal with are primarily Child Support cases.
It is easy to get accustomed to dealing with the issues at hand, such as the basic custodial, financial, and medical cost guidelines for the childs care. We see parents from all walks of life and cultures. We seek to asure that the financial need for the childs care are met and the responsible parties are at least financially committed to their care.
As we counsel with both partied, we try to remind them to set their frustrations with each other aside and “Be good parents”.
Asked about his concerns regarding Church members, President Gordon B. Hinckley replied: “I am concerned about family life in the Church. We have wonderful people, but we have too many whose families are falling apart. It is a matter of serious concern. I think it is my most serious concern” (Church News, 24 June 1995, 6).
Marriages must be nurtured and fed. Each spouse has needs and concerns that must be met. As each partner loves and puts the others needs first, their union is strengthened. Unselfishness is a great goal.
Marriage and Mothers Day
Family and life, how do we balance them? I know that I cannot speak for all mothers, but I do try to notice other situations and how others deal with them. As I handle my stress and struggles, I think and look to others for strength of patterns and example. I’m sure that I don’t see others clearly, but I do sense similar struggles and then similar joys.
On Mothers Day, I generally just enjoy each tender thought and guesture from my kids. It is a day to have flexible expectations.
President Howard W. Hunter (1907–1995), said:
“If our lives and our faith are centered upon Jesus Christ and His restored gospel, nothing can ever go permanently wrong. . . .”
“If our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right. “No matter what circumstances we are in—if we are married, widowed, divorced, or single; if we struggle with infertility or have had miscarriages; if our children have wandered; if our children have special needs—if we are keeping our covenants, we have a great cause to rejoice.” —Sister Linda K. Burton, Relief Society general president
Marriage Gets a Check-up
How is the overall health of our family unions?
The Family Under Siege: The Role of Man and Woman
Bruce K. Satterfield
Brigham Young University – Idaho
Speaking of the family, Elder Robert D. Hales said: “Because of the importance of the family to the eternal plan of happiness, Satan makes a major effort to destroy the sanctity of the family, demean the importance of the role of men and women, encourage moral uncleanliness and violations of the sacred law of chastity, and to discourage parents from placing the bearing and rearing of children as one of their highest priorities.”11 During the last several decades, as the war against the family has raged, the prophets have taught that men and women need to refocus their sights on their roles as mothers and fathers. Over and over they have taught the doctrine of parenthood.12 An understanding of this doctrine will give great power to parents to fortify themselves and their families against the siege of wickedness
In
THE STATE OUR UNIONS
(The State of Our Unions monitors the current health of marriage and family life in America. Produced annually, it is a joint publication of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values.)
we read…….
The Marriage idea
Why should we care? Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage helps to unite the needs and desires of couples and the children their unions produce. Because marriage fosters small coopera- tive unions—otherwise known as stable families—it not only enables children to thrive, but also shores up communities, helping family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times.
What can each of us do to make a difference?
Stay tuned…….
danisayshuh 